I'm sick of my caring, sharing lover and his endless foreplay: Rowan Pelling's sex advice column
The former Erotic Review magazine editor answers your sex questions...
QUESTION: My boyfriend is a perfect ‘new man’, raised by a feminist mother. He’s a really attentive lover, who always devotes hours to foreplay and my orgasm. I know I’m going to sound really maddening, but the trouble is that he’s just too caring and sharing. Sometimes I just fancy a good, old-fashioned quickie or a bit of caveman-style sex, where it’s not all about his grade-A sex technique. What should I do?

Bored of foreplay? Give him permission to be more visceral and he'll surely respond
ANSWER: No wonder men can’t answer the question: ‘What do women really want?’
Just as we’ve convinced them that the correct response is ‘hours of sex, then you turn into a box of chocolates,’ every female I know starts moaning about the lack of ‘real men’.
I blame Russell Crowe in Gladiator (and pretty much every other film he’s starred in, come to that) and Philip Glenister’s refreshingly Neanderthal performance as DCI Gene Hunt in Life On Mars and Ashes To Ashes.
A whole generation of women have started longing for a bit of old-fashioned emotionally inarticulate muscle.
So, yes, you are being maddening and it’s a good thing that the veil of anonymity stands between you and the baying mob.
There are millions of women who would give their eye teeth to have a partner who really cares about their sexual pleasure and is adept at bringing them to orgasm. And we certainly don’t want men to believe that sexual prowess resides in reverting to the loathsome old motto: ‘Treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen.’
Nevertheless, I do have sympathy for your cause.
Sex is not a one-note activity and even the most satisfactory forms of love-making can pall a little if there’s no variation.
Although it seems ungrateful to confess it, there can be something rather wearisome and guilt-inducing about a man labouring away to make a woman climax when she’s simply not in the mood for a lengthy sex session.
Most of my female friends confess to there being days when they prefer quick, vigorous, thrusting sex and don’t necessarily care if it doesn’t end in orgasm.
Often that preference coincides with a particular stage of a woman’s menstrual cycle.
Just as ovulation is known to heighten the female libido, many women find this fiercer brand of sex suits them when they’re pre-menstrual, as it fits in with their fiery mood.
It is equally true that it’s sometimes satisfying to simply give sexual pleasure, rather than receive it or be religiously reciprocal. In certain moods, women can feel that they gain sufficient erotic satisfaction from seeing the intense erotic excitement they conjure in their beloved.
Of course, part of the problem you describe stems from the fact that sex in the modern Western world has become so goal-orientated.
There can be a misplaced sense that someone has failed as a lover if their partner hasn’t had their orgasm. While reaching a climax is undoubtedly an important part of lovemaking, it’s not always essential for either men or women.
There are times when the body simply doesn’t need to orgasm or refuses to - and times when delayed gratification seems sweeter than the instant variety.
As they say: ‘It’s better to travel than arrive.’ It sounds as if your boyfriend is so proud of his ability to push a woman’s buttons that he’s become a wee bit insistent that you gratefully submit to his tender ministrations. You need to demonstrate that there is another way and that women can respond to dynamism as well as delicacy in the bedroom.
What you don’t want to do is criticise the way he makes love, as you may leave him so wounded and confused that he’ll no longer have the confidence to initiate sex.
The easiest way to cajole your boyfriend into the pleasures of a quickie is to engineer a situation that demands a swifter and more animalistic form of sex.
Making love outdoors often affords that kind of opportunity, since the high chance of passersby disturbing your romp means that anything other than a quick tumble tends to be out of the question.
Another thought might be when you’re seductively dressed for an evening out and there’s 15 minutes before the taxi arrives. Basically, you need to find situations that encourage the swift lifting of a skirt and an enthusiastic seizing of the moment. You need to show him that sex is satisfactory at all kinds of tempos and that sometimes his pleasure is your pleasure.
You say your boyfriend has been influenced by his feminist mother. It sounds as if he’s been taught to subjugate his passions to some gender-politics-authorised norm of human behaviour.
But few things can be deemed normal in the wide sphere of behaviour that constitutes human passion. Clearly, you need to give him the confidence to see that sex can occasionally be a little more fierce and visceral on both sides without it compromising anyone’s ethics.
It’s all about permission and making the other person feel safe. My guess is that since your boyfriend’s mission is to make you happy, he’ll quickly pick up the message that changing gear can be thrilling.
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DEARBORN, Mich.—On the ride over to Ford's (F) Rouge manufacturing plant, Henry Ford's great-grandson came on screen to welcome us to a place where "our past and our future are side by side." I should have known then that the factory tour would completely ignore Ford's present.
Tour is the wrong thing to call what we went through. It was more an anachronistic theme park ride. In Disney World, every ride has a lengthy preamble that narrates a back story before you get to the main event. The music creates a mood; the lighting tells the eye where to focus; the placards and short films set the stakes. It is the ride before the ride—an exercise in storytelling that heightens the payoff later on. It was no different inside the Ford tour.
Ford's ride was bisected just like Disney's. First you go through an elaborate foyer of sorts, one designed to dispense a slice of propaganda with a dose of history. Then, once you're good and indoctrinated, you progress on to the real deal, the factory itself.
When we first entered the foyer, the music was already swelling to a crescendo. Its major key implied triumph, adventure, and invention. We may as well have been inside a Lord of the Rings movie. In some of the films screened during the tour, the music only got more grandiose, like adding another cup of sugar to a birthday cake that had already turned saccharine. It wasn't the music of a company emerging from trouble or a resourceful, plucky upstart making do with what it has. It was a score for Ford's cocky past. I've embedded a bit below for you to get a taste:
The lighting was dimmed from above, yet the room was illuminated in spots from below. The Ford cars that were parked in the showroom rested on a shaft of light that, when juxtaposed with the overall darkness, drew the eye. The combination gave the room a bluish-pink quality, like we were in that ethereal state between early morning and a new dawn.
Dotted around the room were placards that didn't emphasize fuel-efficiency, Ford's independence from government aid, or new fuel-cell technology. Instead they either focused on Ford's past or its star truck, the F-150, which is produced at the Rouge plant. The F-150 blurbs were designed to sell the trucks in 2004 (when the factory tour began) not 2009. "Strength from the bottom up" one said about the F-150's "strongest frame." "Strength when you need it," described its tow hooks. I was looking at the world as it once was, when it was a safer, less-threatening place for Ford and for Michigan.
The evasion of the present didn't stop there. Inside a movie on Ford's legacy, the narrator said that "Rouge was not immune to the darkness of the great depression." But there was no mention of the current situation. Lip service was paid to Rouge being one of "the most environmentally advanced plants in the world." In an effort to prove this was true, the tour included a visit to an observation deck overlooking Rouge's "living roof," where we were told that having grass (sedum, actually, but we'll gloss over the difference) on your roof makes the roof longer-lasting and thus adds efficiency to the plant. All well and good, but again there was no mention of whether the cars were just as sustainable. The sales pitch was again aimed at a different era, one where the Prius was just a funny-looking thing from Japan.
But all of those oddities paled in comparison to the most overwhelming aspect of the tour's introduction. After the legacy film we were ushered into another room, one where about 50 individual swivel chairs were arranged in a diamond pattern on the floor. Above hung seven screens that spread the full 360 degrees around the room. We were treated to a wordless film that could have been a film student's thesis if it wasn't so lacking in irony. We saw an F-150 being manufactured from start to finish; but as our tour attendee put it, we weren't just going see it being created, we were going to smell it and feel it, too.
Never before have I watched a movie on seven screens while the seat below rumbled and the ceiling above hissed smells into the room. When rain poured on screen, strobe lights flashed in the room; when metal was forged in underground fires, the room got hotter; when a coat of red paint was applied to the F-150, the room turned crimson. It was a show of brute force—impressive the way a theme park ride is, and one that leaves you just as hollow. The whole experience was miscalibrated; a company that is struggling like Ford is shouldn't be treating me to this kind of lavish entertainment.
Finally, after all that foreplay, came the factory. Conveyor belts were everywhere, outnumbered only by the number of steel beams criss-crossing the ceiling. It was an engineer's wet dream; a small community planned for perfect syncopation. Different parts of the cars are suspended from the ceiling, shimmying along until they caught a ramp down to the floor. There, folks moved them along while chatting with others. Robotic arms spun and jabbed along with the workers. Everyone was dressed casually, many in shorts and T-shirts; it appeared there was no official Ford uniform.
The workers had just come back from a week off and were nearing the end of a 10-hour shift. Rouge has reduced its production to four days a week, which means it's only running two shifts, down from the usual three. At two shifts the place cranks out about 1,100 vehicles, and when you're overlooking the factory the accomplishment is considerable. As one of the tour guides told me, every 53 seconds another truck is produced.
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And there was still no mention of the current situation on any of the factory's official placards. Ford, remember, is the responsible one of the Big Three. It doesn't have outstanding loans with the U.S. government, as they've chosen to go it alone and avoid Obama's watchful eye. A factory tour is the perfect place to emphasize that independence. Rather than all the propaganda about Ford's legacy, why not push the message that Ford is the only responsible carmaker left in America? "We're the only one that managed to build a country without later robbing it," the official line could go. It's a compelling case, yet nobody's making it to the hundreds of tourists that come through Rouge every day.
Perplexed by this, I asked one of the tour guides whether any of the materials had been changed since their introduction in 2004. "With Ford's financial situation, it hasn't been a top priority," he said. That's the kind of inside-out thinking that got Detroit into this mess, and the kind that Ford has avoided better than its competitors. Not that you'd know that from the tour.
(Photos by David Backer)
Trade Paperback, 336 pages | Three Rivers Press | Fiction; Fiction - Mystery & Detective | $15.00 | March 2, 2010 | 978-0-307-46047-9 (0-307-46047-9)
Ivor Tesham is a handsome, single, young member of Parliament whose political star is on the rise. When he meets a woman in a chance encounter–a beautiful, leggy, married woman named Hebe–the two become lovers obsessed with their trysts, spiced up by what the newspapers like to call “adventure sex.”
It’s the dress-up and role-play that inspire Ivor to create a surprise birthday present for his beloved that involves a curbside kidnapping. It’s all intended as mock-dangerous foreplay, but then things take a dark turn.
After things go horribly wrong, Ivor begins to receive anonymous letters that reveal astonishingly specific details about the affair and its aftermath. Somehow he must keep his role from being uncovered–and his political future from being destroyed by scandal.
Like a heretic on the inquisitor’s rack, Ivor is not to be spared the exquisitely slow and tortuous unfolding of events, as hints, nuances, and small revelations lay his darkest secrets hideously bare for all the world to see.
The Birthday Present is a deft, insightful, and compulsively readable exploration of obsessive desire–and the dark twists of fate that can shake the lives of even those most insulated by privilege, sophistication, and power.
From the Hardcover edition.
How I didn’t notice him until senior year, I’ll never comprehend.And even once I did, it was toward the end of senior year. We’d soon be going off to college in two very different places and any chances for a real budding romance were dwindling.But the attraction was utterly palpable.There were mild flirtations during the [...]
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